Adam Sessler Successfully Completes G4 Cancellation Speedrun
New York, NY – In front of hundreds of viewers, former gaming personality Adam Sessler successfully completed his G4 cancellation speedrun in record time. Fans of the once popular network were doubtful anyone could run through the relaunched network in record time, but Adam and friends were able to terminate the channel in under 12 months. “I thought no way man,” expressed fan Harvey Weed, “but then seeing how fast he started burning through audience goodwill in the early levels, I knew he had a good shot at the record speedrun.” Sessler’s run started incredibly strong, with an improvised rant by Indiana “Frosk” Black, attacking the channel’s previous shows and loyal fans. This was immediately followed with Sessler shortcutting around years of solid ratings, by cheering on the Frosk diatribe and clapping like a seal, signaling to onlookers that something special was brewing. While occasionally slowed by quality gaming commentary from contributors who didn’t seem to actively hate the gaming community, Sessler’s speedrun to unemployment got back on track when the G4 Vice President told fans to not watch. With the calendar nearing one year of gaming skits about as funny as a urine infection, the record was threatened by unfounded rumors that former host Olivia Munn would return to the network to be nice on the eyes of viewers everywhere. Fortunately for Sessler, Munn employs an agent who’s sole purpose is to steer her away from ongoing dumpster fires and the record speedrun to cancellation was completed last week. When asked what’s next for his pompous, overrated act; Sessler hinted at the possibility of breaking his new speedrun record with the upcoming reboot of the Esquire Network.