Biden Mocks Russian Sham Annexation Election Attempt As “Amateurish”

Washington, DC – Responding to news that Russia plans to annex parts of Ukraine after questionable election victories that many are calling “shams”, President Biden despairingly declared the efforts: “amateurish”. When pressed for context, the President stated in an afternoon press conference, “I read where they were bussing Russians all the way into Ukraine to vote for these plans,” Biden recounted with a chuckle and shake of the head, “Are there no cemeteries in Ukraine? Did Putin not think to setup untraceable mail-in voting? I’m betting they didn’t even get more votes than people in the region. Amateurs.” The President continued, shifting into his creepy, whisper voice, “See folks, this is why I don’t worry about Russia long term, they’re always ten steps behind us. They counted their votes in one day. Why not take multiple days to count a few critical votes? Ohhh, you got 91% of the vote apparently in Donetsk. So what? I could barely survive my own primary and I “got” 81 million votes man. More blacks voted for me than the first black president. Don’t tell me you know how to hold a sham election.” Biden also stressed the need to have fun with this kind of stuff. “You don’t just come out immediately and announce you won everything, you’ve got to drag it out to crush the hopes of your enemies. Let them be ahead by insurmountable odds when they go to sleep at night, then when they wake in the morning, let them see magic votes found in inner cities put you over the top. Trust me, victory is so much sweeter when your enemy knows you’re cheating but there’s nothing they can do about it. In America, we literally rally to not make people prove who they are before they vote. Wake me up when Vladimir has the audacity to pull that one.”