State Department Somberly Announces Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine

Washington, D.C. – State Department spokesperson Ned Price paused a blaring party playlist to somberly and officially confirm that Russia had begun its invasion of neighboring Ukraine. The news left the briefing room of assembled reporters stoically silent except for the raucous sounds of State Department officials drunkenly partying in the area next door. A solemn Price requested that all gathered remember the lives that will be risked, injured and lost in this upcoming conflict by removing all party hats and bowing heads in a moment of silence. Price informed reporters he wouldn’t be answering specific questions, as he wanted to “just soak it all in and enjoy this sad celebration commemorating the horrors of war.” The State Department has been tirelessly preparing for the prospects of a conflict in eastern Europe for months by moving military units into position, fortifying alliances in the region, ordering enough cake and wine for the entire office and filling the buildings rafters with balloons and confetti. “Those people you hear behind me singing karaoke have been through hell these last couple of months.” Price proudly declared. “There were times no one thought this day would come, but now we’re unfortunately here. Before coming out here, Bill Kristol kissed me full on the lips.”