McAuliffe Boasts Being Longest Serving Clinton Associate Who Hasn’t Killed Himself In Jail Cell

Culpeper, VA – In a recent campaign stop, gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe touted his political experience and boasted about being the longest serving associate of the Clinton family who hasn’t ended his life alone in a jail cell.  The former Clinton “bagman” pressed the point that his continued mortal existence clearly demonstrates the loyalty he would bring every day as Virginia’s governor.

The campaign stop was a special one for McAuliffe as Hillary Clinton joined him on stage to hopefully attract remaining undecided voters that either don’t want her dead or haven’t already been killed by her in scenes made to look self-inflicted.  “People ask me: ‘Terry, how do voters know they can count on you?’ and to that I respond: well, I’m alive aren’t I?”, which elicited a planned chuckle from the audience.  As part of his stump speech, the former governor then somberly reminds the crowd: “But seriously folks, suicide is no laughing matter.  We miss all those who sadly chose to take their own lives after entering the Clinton family orbit.  If you feel alone and need to talk with someone, you should definitely keep that to yourself.”

Closing the rally, Hillary Clinton shared brief, yet inspiring thoughts.  “As a native Virginian, I know what this state needs.  It’s stability, it’s someone committed to staying the course.  We don’t need what Republicans or prosecutors are offering: wild and dangerous schemes that can’t keep you safe.  Dependability, that’s what you get with Terry. He knows just enough to help, but not enough to be a loose end.” she said flatly while shooting McAuliffe a frozen glare.