Ukraine Now Asking Russia For Protection From Biden Administration

Kiev, Ukraine – International reports are suggesting Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is now asking neighboring Russia for protective help against the Biden administration’s aggressive push for both countries to commence war. “I’m getting worried for our personal safety, President Biden is calling us at all hours of the night.” a shaken Ukrainian president reportedly stated. “He says cryptic things like ‘You need me, Russia is going to sack Kiev in an hour. It would be so easy, I could be sacking Kiev right now and you wouldn’t even know it.'” Witnesses state Biden then transitions into his trademark creepy whisper voice he sometimes uses in press conferences: “No one else is coming to help you but me. Don’t confuse your friends for your enemies. Once the ground dries the Russians will move their tanks in and they may discover I’ve already made a new village during the winter and opened a coat store.” “I don’t even know that that means. It’s freaking me out.” exclaimed Zelenskyy. Russian President Vladmir Putin has been sympathetic to the Ukrainian pleas, as he too has received unsettling calls from the American President late at night. Putin told reporters: “Last time, he told me ‘we are going to pay for what we did to Apollo.’ I told him I don’t know this Apollo and then called the police.” President Zelenskyy remains worried about Biden’s erratic behavior. “I honestly get feeling if we don’t start war with Russia, he’s going to attack us himself. I thought the steady payments to Hunter were to keep ‘the big guy’ as far away from us as possible?”