Washington DC – The White House announced today that President Biden recently “aced” an extensive cognitive exam performed by world renowned Dr. Jill Biden. The results put to rest conspiracy theories that the often confused and wandering centenarian is not suited for the task of President of the United States.
Dr. Biden stated her thorough examination revealed a President more than mentally capable of performing his daily duties. “President Biden not only did well with stress tests upon his own personal memory but amazingly able to summon memories for other people he’s never met. He freely shares vivid stories about conversations on trains that he never took, visiting borders he’s never actually seen and impossible interaction with people he’s never contacted.” Dr. Biden’s written summary concludes: “One might actually say, the President has too much cognitive memory. His ability to not only live his own experiences, but quickly embrace others’ experiences as his own gives him the empathy a President desperately needs. It’s this “empathy overload” that occasionally makes it appear like he doesn’t know where he’s at or if we’ve won World War II yet. In my expert doctor opinion, the President does the brain stuff good.”
Dr. Biden was also the primary source for the President’s successful physical evaluation last month. Her summary of the President’s overall health situation may eventually become the historical standard for assessing Biden’s time as President: “There is absolutely nothing regarding the President’s health, mind or happiness that will ever force me, I mean him, to leave this White House.”