Jeffrey Zucker Resigns From CNN To Spend More Time Learning To Button Shirt

Atlanta, GA – CNN President Jeffrey Zucker abruptly announced his immediate resignation from the cable news company, stating he needed to refocus his energies on self-improvement; specifically finally learning how to properly button his dress shirts. While the sudden announcement caught many media observers by surprise, insiders at CNN reveal they’ve been aware for years of Zucker’s personal struggles in getting those last two buttons completed on any shirt he wore. A close friend of Zucker’s stated: “Jeff had his demons. Do you honestly think a man with his body type and looks would want to be in public showing off his partially shaved, razor-burned chest hairs for the world to see? It made him look like a recently divorced dad creepily chaperoning his daughter’s high school dance. The man was suffering.” Friends of Zucker hope this personal time out of the spotlight will provide him with the opportunity to learn how buttons work or as a last option: considering shirts that don’t feature a button challenge at all. “We’ve tried to tell him there are stylish non-button topwear options, even for men with weird shapes like his. Maybe now, he’ll finally listen.”