Chicago Records 1 Millionth Murder Of 2022

Chicago, IL – Today officials announced that Chicago has surpassed 1 million murders for 2022, seven days into the new calendar year.  City aldermen had targeted a goal to keep the number under a million until Martin Luther King Day, but once the Windy City topped 500K deaths on New Year’s Day alone, the chances became slim.  “Frankly our last two chances of not reaching that milestone so quickly were to either enhance our policing and sentencing processes or just hope the guy that tallies homicides for the city got murdered himself.  Unfortunately, neither scenario happ–.” reported Sergeant Dale Dorfer.  (reporter’s note: my interview with Sergeant Dorfer was necessarily cut short as he was murdered, thoughts and prayers to his family). After touring the killing floors previously known as State Street, Mayor Lori Lightfoot unequivocally identified the single cause of the non-stop violence destroying her once proud city: “White privilege”, as she hosed blood and chalk residue from her shoes.  While experts remain divided on the cause, they appear united in defining steps fo–