New York, NY – Political circles are buzzing with the announcement that former First Lady Hillary Clinton has willingly confessed to a “laundry list” of crimes, going as far back as her days in Arkansas. Clinton’s abrupt decision to confess was based on two non-negotiable conditions: 1) The trial would be held near her New York home to limit travel and 2) The trial would be prosecuted by Kenosha County Assistant District Attorney Thomas Binger.
While the request for a state prosecutor to handle federal prosecutorial duties is unusual, federal investigators were eager to finally nail any type of conviction against a Clinton criminal empire they’ve investigated for decades. “I’ve always wanted my day in court,” stated the first female Presidential candidate. “I’ve just had to wait for the right court.”
Binger is nationally known after failing to prosecute Kyle Rittenhouse for murder in the sensational case that rocked Kenosha, Wisconsin earlier this year. Clinton took special note of Binger’s own witnesses becoming hostile to him on the stand and the judge regularly chiding each motion made as either dishonest or incompetent. “I looked at this guy and thought: this is a man with whom I could finally be completely honest.” Mrs. Clinton stated. “Plus, if a 17-year-old can confound him on the stand, can you imagine what my husband will do? I’ve watched Bill convince people he doesn’t speak English…in English.”
Other infamous suspects have also discussed confessing to “possible crimes”, if they too can deploy the “Binger Shield”, as it’s being called in legal circles. Court observers have suggested that if this judicial option was available in 2019, Jeffrey Epstein may have not resorted to taking his own life in prison. “Oh that’s right,” exclaimed Clinton, “I just remembered something else I should probably mention to Tommy.”