Minneapolis, MN – A nightmare scenario long predicted by sociologists has taken form, as sentient SUVs and handguns have joined forces to terrorize American cities. For decades progressives have pressed to ban autonomous weapons as the source of violence in most major metropolitans. With recent news reports now identifying a sport utility vehicle responsible for the recent deadly attacks in Wisconsin, police say it was only a matter of time before these two self-aware objects began working together.
American violence has long been ridiculed by European allies, whom cannot fathom how we’ve allowed guns to independently roam our neighborhoods and schools. Even conservative Senator Ted Cruz (R – TX) has is reconsidering his position: “For years, I’ve believed overwhelming violence in our city streets was the natural result of leftist polices that devalued religious institutions, human life and frankly encouraged poor parenting. Now I see it was actually a sinister scheme by violent, inanimate objects.”
Researchers have sought out visionary Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, whose city has been ravaged by what many assumed were gang-related drive-by shootings. “They told me I needed to find the kids who were doing these killings and punish them,” Mayor Lightfoot stated defiantly, “but I knew better, it’s those damn SUVS working with the guns.”
As America appears finally ready to confront the sources of its systemic violence, there are examples from world history to provide guidance. Recently, our southern neighbors completed a targeted campaign against sentient machetes that were beheading its citizens on a daily basis. Lessons can also be gleaned from as far back as World War II, when it was eventually determined vile concentration camps were solely responsible for the deaths of millions. This view is still considered controversial, as members of the Jewish faith demand that the trains also be judged complicit.