Fauci Now Regrets Not Using Uyghurs For Experiments Like China Recommended

Washington, D.C. – As national criticism encircles NIAID Director Anthony Fauci’s usage of dogs in dangerous medical experiments, Dr. Fauci has reportedly begun to regret not using members of the Uyghur population as his Chinese colleagues had recommended. While conducting extreme experimentation on human beings is typically considered negative, all evidence confirms that global outrage would have been significantly less than using dogs. In Fauci’s defense, witnesses to his thinking at the time reveals Fauci initially assumed the term Uyghur was a Sino-breed of dog, especially in the context being used by their Chinese handlers.

Later, upon learning Uyghurs were groups of ethnic Turks living in various far west Chinese oases, he still decided against transitioning focus of the procedures to them.  Fauci believed the additional costs and efforts to round up the tribes to be far more work than simply killing freely available canines.  Fauci was unaware the Chinese government had already solved this logistical problem for his team of researchers.

Defenders of Fauci, while acknowledging his clear strategic as well as public relations mistake, remind critics of the changing landscape of social opinion.  “At the time, Muslims still occupied one of the top rungs of the social justice ladder.  They were blowing up stuff every weekend, shooting up newspaper offices…they had worked really hard for that top spot.” stated a source inside the CDC.  “Who would have guessed that within a couple of years they would be supplanted by beagles?”