San Francisco, CA – Twitter employees have submitted a formal list of demands for incoming owner Elon Musk, primary among them stipulating heavy duty moving boxes to pack up their desks after their expected terminations. Under a section entitled “Respect”, the document states “…to uphold our dignity as valued employees, we demand heavy duty moving boxes to appropriately house our Funko Pop collections and Bernie 2024 memorabilia as we are escorted from the premises”. The document also requires the new CEO to provide a suitable number of carts to transport said boxes to their cars, scooters or bikes.
According to insiders, an original draft also included a section about forbidding the building security guards and receptionists that the Twitter millennials have mocked for years from saying anything insensitive to the newly fired employees upon exiting the building, but felt they were already pushing their luck with the order for carts.
A final demand listed within the “Protection” section required that Musk and remaining Twitter staff continue to censor and remove any comments the fired staff don’t agree with. According to the document, the unemployed members will continue to populate a Slack channel with updated names and terms that must be blocked. “Especially anyone telling us to ‘Learn To Code'”, explained former program manager Seb Alowa. “News flash bigots, I already ‘Learned To Code’. I mean, I can’t do it now, I haven’t done it in a long time, but I could still do it if I really needed to jerks. You don’t think my next job is going to require I code, do you?”