Ukraine Peace Talks Stall After State Department Demands Putin Make Out With Dude On Live TV

Moscow, Russia – Hope for a peaceful resolution in the deadly conflict between Ukraine and invading Russia were dashed when the US State Department demanded as a condition of the ceasefire, President Vladimir Putin would make out with a dude on live television. While both warring sides appeared close to an agreement that would spare hundreds of thousands of lives and the complete destruction of the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv, the last minute demand from the uninvited United States that Putin grope another man in front of the world terminated negotiations. State Department spokesperson Ned Price declared: “Putin needs to understand that our commitment to the LGTBQ+ community is absolute and unflinching and that America is prepared to sacrifice every last Ukrainian to demonstrate that.” The country of Israel has tried to salvage talks by finding a compromise between Putin’s agreement to stop bombing cities with heavy civilian populations and America’s ongoing demands the 70-year old Russian sucks face with a bearded, non-binary guy in a dress. Israeli negotiators have suggested Putin could hold up a photoshopped image of him in women’s makeup marrying singer George Michael and then say on camera: “Ummmm….looks yummy.” However, to date the Americans have rejected this war-ending counter as a ‘fake attempt at allyship’ for the gay community. “We won’t apologize for our strong stand with the gay and transgendered community.” reiterated Price. “If bigots like Putin have a problem with it, that’s a price we’re willing the Ukrainians pay for equity.”