Hollywood, CA – Conservative speaker Matt Walsh will appear in the remake of the 1975 Monty Python and The Holy Grail film, starring as the “bridgekeeper” who challenges adventurers with five impossible questions to safely continue their quest. In the remake, the keeper will ask leftist travelers to define the word “woman” or face certain death. As various explorers attempt to gain passage, some are killed for outright refusing to answer and others meet their doom by using the word “woman” in the definition itself (a clear violation of the bridgekeeper’s question). One update is that failing adventurers are no longer flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril by an unseen force like in the original classic. The remake instead focuses on the progressives getting so angry, their heads eventually explode.
“Probably the five simplest questions asked in human existence and they still get so angry their heads explode. Literal cavemen could have answered these questions, but decapitated graduate students from UCLA are strewn all across this field.” Walsh remarked with incredulity. The Virginia-native stressed that workarounds aren’t successful either: “Some people have tried to get me banned from bridgekeeping…. head explodes. Others go on the offensive with unrelated questions about hermaphrodites. Nice try…. head explodes.”
A leaked excerpt from the script reveals a typical scene:
Knight: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper, I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What…is your name?
Knight: Sir Jesse of Berkeley
Bridgekeeper: Oh good grief. What…is your quest?
Sir Jesse: To seek the Holy Grail
Bridgekeeper: What…is a woman and you can’t use the word woman in your definition?
Sir Jesse: <turning red> You fascist piece of…
<Sir Jesse’s head explodes>
While the film’s producers like Walsh’s work as the iconic and crotchety sentry, the writers still haven’t figured out how to advance any of the woke adventurers pass the bridge and to the movie’s final scene 23 just beyond.