Boise, ID – Local man Garrett Thorne welled up while reading the vows he would have given if he married actress Megan Fox. “I’ve never shared this with anybody,” Garrett said surrounded by empty beer bottles and flyers for restaurant take-out flyers. “I’ve never read this out loud. But it helps to encapsulate who I am, what I believe in, and what my hopes were for the kind of marriage that I want for my eventual grandchildren.”
“Megan, the path to our legendary love started with your deep respect and admiration for my huge Xbox gamerscore. After you contacted me over Xbox Live, saying you wanted to hook up, we haven’t been apart a single day.” Garrett chuckles over re-reading the cute nicknames he imagines she would give him and blushes at some of the intimate details of their relationship that mirror fan-fiction Thorne had previously created. Garrett pauses to take a deep breath before continuing: “Megan and I will not be defined by our differences, but how we grow together, how we live together, and how we face a world full of peril and promise together.” Garrett once again became emotional when referencing his late father and wishing he was still alive to know about the mega-babe his son theoretically landed in his imagination.
While Thorne has finally accepted that he and Fox shall never be wed, the nefarious way he fictitiously lost her is still painful. For years, Garrett had waited for his opportunity to meet, confess his feelings and ask for Fox’s hand in marriage. This opening finally materialized when the Hollywood starlet ended her 11-year marriage to Brian Austin Green (of Kickboxer 2 fame). But all of Garrett’s introductory emails to Megan during her short window of availability before connecting with Machine Gun Kelly (of Kickboxer 2 fame) were returned as ‘undeliverable’. Garrett suspects Russian hacker involvement in attempts to stop his relationship with the sex symbol from proceeding.
While Garrett admits he may never be completely over losing his marriage to the Transformers babe, he has published a new book detailing his experience and how he dealt with the pain of losing something in which he was never really competitive.