Washington, D.C. – Daily Bystander reporters have seen an early copy of President Biden’s State of the Union address, which almost entirely comprises of him soiling himself before the assembled Congress. The speech is expected to be hailed by political insiders as both “bold” and “refreshingly candid”. The transcript we’ve viewed features the following prepared remarks:
<approach podium…pretend to recognize people in crowd>
President Joe Biden (that’s you): Madam Speaker, Madam Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:
<pause and make choo-choos in your pants as loudly as possible>
<wait for applause to finish>
President Joe Biden (that’s you): Thank you and goodnight.
<slowly penguin waddle across stage to awaiting shower and ice cream>
Even some of President Biden’s harshest critics will applaud the reckless honesty of his first State of the Union address. Fox News’ Tucker Carlson is expected to declare on his show: “I didn’t think he had all that in him. But in those long and nauseating 45 seconds, Joe Biden crystalized his administration’s impact on America better than anything I’ve said for the last 12 months.” The President’s speech will even resonate with embittered independent voters across the nation. Jerry Ordell of Massachusetts will admit to reporters: “I can’t stand the guy and all those prissy elite morons he surrounds himself with. But when I heard those sounds of his fancy suit getting filled with that foamy mess, I thought: ‘Hey I can relate to this guy now. For once, this President Biden guy knows what it’s like living in a country ran by President Biden’.”