Dallas, TX – Local resident Clayton Newl reports feeling ‘awful’ for Hollywood actor Ben Affleck, after learning he was forced to play Batman in multiple movies following an obligatory marriage to fellow celebrity Jennifer Garner. Hearing how these compulsory situations impacted the actor’s life and drove him towards a path of self-destruction, Clayton was silently grateful for his solitary life repairing analog phone lines.
While Clayton has been a huge fan of the Dark Knight since early childhood and an even bigger admirer of Jennifer Garner since her Alias television series; he acknowledges that having those responsibilities forced upon an unwilling victim is worthy of anyone’s sympathy. Clayton just hopes that Affleck’s millions of dollars earned for very little actual work can help him find the professional help he needs to overcome these challenges.
“Sure,” admitted Clayton. “I’ve caught myself saying in the past: ‘I would literally give anything to be Batman’ or something similar about spending the rest of my life with Jennifer Garner. But those are just things you say. Nobody means it. I certainly didn’t….don’t………….kinda.”
Newl is reportedly leveraging the news as an opportunity for self-reflection. As he ponders his own life, staring at his signed poster of Jennifer Garner on his studio apartment wall, he’s grateful he was never put into the impossible situation, coerced to start a family with a gorgeous, smart, successful woman. “Dodged a bullet there,” he thinks as he scarfs down an empty hamburger bun that is quickly becoming his dinner.